when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
