I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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