genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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