If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize