I'm pants shitting drunk right now
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
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