I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize