I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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