hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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