What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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