someone owes me an orgasm
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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