so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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