Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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