She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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