Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
