and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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