New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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