shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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