Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
