No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize