i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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