i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just forgot I was standing up.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
