Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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