it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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