You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
