i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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