i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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