Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
