I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
