It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
