woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
