I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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