she woke up with a sticky ear
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i came on her dog
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
