Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
