I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize