dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
