No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
