If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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