i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
