hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
