At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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