I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize