What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
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