Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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