Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
