Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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