I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize