birth control should be required to get into college
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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