I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
