That's when you crack a 10am beer
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize