She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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