my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
