I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
