After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm having to shit out rocks
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
