my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Randomize
