just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I think I just sharted jello shots
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
