i just wanna soil my oats bro
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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