im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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