I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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