Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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