Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You pole danced in your parka.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
