I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
