I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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